I have had lots and lots of trauma in my lifetime dating back to when I was just a few days old, and I came down with a dangerously high fever and was hospitalized for a week. As a 12 year old I escaped death by God’s miraculous hand, when along with my family members, jumped out of the window of our house that was 90% consumed in flames on a Christmas Eve night. We lost everything. When I was 13, my life was spared again when one of my Fallopian tubes twisted, got infected and before any medical personnel could figure out what was wrong with me…gangrene had begun to set in. I was so very sick. As I was rushed into emergency surgery, God provided a wonderful surgeon who was able to remove all the infection and damaged tube. I am obviously still here today, and that surgery did not physically hinder the blessing of fertility, which the Lord has so graciously given to us. As a 15 year old, I was violated badly, and it was that traumatic event that brought me to a brokenness that can’t be described in words, and in that brokenness I looked up to heaven and said to Jesus, “If you are real, and if you can help me, I want to be yours and have the happiness that people say you promise.” In that VERY INSTANCE, the presence of God filled my being, and I was a changed person. I traveled to Romania after graduation to minister to orphans, met who I thought was the man of my dreams, and we were soon engaged. After arriving in the USA to meet my family, he broke my heart and ended the relationship. Sadly, I reverted to old habits and for reasons that are still hard for me to understand, I married my first husband at 19 who pretended to be someone that he never intended to be once he married me. I lived a lonely suffering for ten years before getting the help of law enforcement and filing for divorce. I was abandoned by my church and entire family after my divorce. Single motherhood was not easy. I was going to school to become a nurse full time, working full time and trying to survive. I have had two unplanned pregnancies, survived a major car accident(the vehicle rolled three times landing upright, stopping short of a 20 foot cliff), and my parents divorced after 35 years of marriage. My dad passed away two years after their divorce, and I gave birth to our fifth baby five days later. I have experienced two miscarriages, one at 5 weeks, one at 12.5 weeks. These are some of the hard things I’ve experienced. There are more, but I think you get the idea.
I realize I briefly described major events that I would love to write books about! I did it for a reason. I want to make the point I personally know and have experienced REAL LIFE ANXIETY. Our recent miscarriage brought some anxiety front and center. I want to share how the Lord helped me and guided me so gently into peace in the last couple of days.
One of my favorite preachers is Charles Stanley. I listen to his sermons almost daily on the In Touch app. This last week he was preaching on Spiritual Warfare. I listened CAREFULLY, and as he began to preach about how LOVING our God is…I began to cry. My thinking was sincerely almost transformed immediately. The only way I can describe it is the Holy Spirit came and filled a spot in me that I had not surrendered fully to Him. It was the area of anxiety about the future. I was too consumed with all the “what ifs.” With all that I have experienced, there was a part of me being held back from truly trusting the Lord.
God has been so close to me since the miscarriage. He’s guiding me and leading me….in ways I understand. I asked a friend a few weeks ago, “How do you know what God wants you to do?” What I meant by the question was when you have two situations and both are biblically sound….how do you know which one is the right answer? She said to me, “God will make it clear. He is kind and gentle, and He knows exactly what you need for you to know it is His leading on a certain decision. Don’t do anything until you know without a doubt.” So we have been waiting patiently, praying. I can’t share details now, but without a doubt…God has shown us CLEARLY the answer to our “Y” in the road.
After that timely sermon by Charles Stanley, I decided, with the Lord’s help to let go of all the thoughts that might lead to that anxiety and fear I feel at times. We have a real enemy who is out to steal, kill and destroy. And the first place that begins is in our minds. It has been one of the biggest blessings of my Christian life to have this freedom! When a thought comes into my mind that causes me to be fearful or anxious, I am purposing immediately to LET THOSE THOUGHTS GO!
God is not against me…He is for me! I am worth more than many sparrows, and not even a sparrow falls to the ground without Him knowing. The hairs on my head are numbered. He went before Joshua in defeating his enemies, even causing the sun to stop moving! Nothing is out of God’s control.
I want to make a difference for the Kingdom of God. I want to be a light in a dark place. I want to be an example and teach other women to love their husbands and children. My desire is also to follow God’s leading in ministering to the poor in Romania. I don’t know where all of this will lead, but I do know the anxiety that I once felt and hindered so many of my decisions, no longer plays a role.
May God be glorified in all the not so average mamas/ladies today!