Emotional roller coaster 

I got more rest last night than I have since I found out Monday, our baby had gone to heaven. Today, I woke up having a little more energy. I took a shower, and actually washed my hair. I moved from my bed to the couch for a few hours, so I could be more involved in the family happenings. 

Yesterday afternoon, a dear friend, who is more like an angel to me, brought our family dinner. Late this morning, another dear friend and angel, arrived with several days of food for our family on behalf of several families in our church. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. She also brought me a book that I’m anxious to read as we seek God’s comfort in these difficult days. 

As the afternoon progressed, and after the little bit of increased activity…I got overwhelmed again this evening. It is hard to tell at this point what is physical discomfort and what is emotional. It all is so hard. I placed a call with my midwife, and she was so kind and reassuring. Recovering from the amount of blood loss that I endured will take much time. She compared it to filling a pitcher full of water and making koolaid. Only, it’s like adding the pack of koolaid and sugar to the water over the course of a month. 

It is difficult not being able to do my normal activities. I am thankful however, to be alive and recovering. I’m experiencing many emotions throughout the days, some leaving me in uncontrollable tears, and other moments I’m feeling a little stronger and hopeful for the days to come. 

I am falling more deeply in love with Prince Charming as he blesses me with his servant’s heart, affection and love. This kind of love is rare. We have been through various difficulties and trials in our short six years of marriage, but this by far has stretched us in new ways than we have experienced before. Most of the time, I just desire his company…his physical presence by my side. 

Since I have spent so much time resting, this leads to some family time that looks like this, watching a movie on Pureflix: 

Another way that I worked through some grief this evening was opening God’s word, with my 12 year old by my side, as she listened to me recite my memorization work of the book of James. Filling my mind and heart, as I recite the words from our Lord, is one of the best ways I have found comfort. I also play instrumental music throughout the night because the quiet is difficult for me. Those hours in the hospital as I was bleeding had many moments of quietness that were scary for me. Having the instrumental music play is peaceful and it soothes my soul. 

Before all this had transpired, I was still nursing our 17 month old son. As a result of the blood loss, the surgeon recommended I wean immediately to preserve all the fluid I could. That has been something else I’m working through in this recovery. Weaning cold turkey has a few of it’s own struggles. We are working through it, and he’s doing great. It is definitely harder on me than him! 

I am so very thankful to have such wonderful and amazing kids. Their love, support and kindness to me overflow. My five year old even wanted to eat her dinner in my room by my side as I rested. 

Jesus is my healer, and I take refuge in Him! May God be glorified in all the not so average mamas/ladies today! 

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