It has been awhile since I have blogged. I never could have imagined I would be writing this post. I’m laying in bed, not able to walk more than a few feet to the bathroom because of extreme blood loss due to losing our precious baby boy at twelve and a half weeks along in the pregnancy. I want to share my personal feelings and thoughts in the hopes it may bring encouragement to others that may be going through, or have gone through a similar experience. I believe many have walked this road, but it is not often talked about. This is not going to be the best piece of writing. I am not caring or focusing on grammar, this is from my heart. This post is not for the faint of heart. It has some details that you may not want to read or know. I humbly share it, even as some of it may be hard to, because I feel compelled by the Holy Spirit to do so.
This last Monday morning I was so very excited. I was scheduled to hear the baby’s heartbeat and get my first set of blood work for this pregnancy. I was 12 weeks and two days pregnant. We had seen the baby on ultrasound, heart beating strong at 6.5 weeks along.
Little did I know the path I was about to walk. When I got to my appointment, I checked in, and waited for the nurse. She weighed me, checked my blood pressure and things were great. She let me know the midwife would be right in. Patty, the midwife who has delivered three of our babies came in and was excited to see me again. She asked all the preliminary questions, and then said let’s hear this new little one. She got her Doppler out and didn’t hear anything right away. She kept trying, and nothing. She asked if I knew if my uterus was tipped. I said yes, they mentioned it was at my 6.5 week ultrasound. She said that makes sense, the Doppler probably isn’t picking it up because of that. She gave me the choice of waiting two weeks or go in for an ultrasound. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me and decided on the ultrasound. Since the ultrasound was done at another clinic, I had to call and schedule it. I also live 45 minutes from it, so I called and asked if they could put me on the schedule for that day so Prince Charming wouldn’t have to take a separate day off to help me out with the kiddos. They said they could fit me in at 12:15. I arrived and they took me right back, I saw the baby on screen, perfectly formed, head, body, everything. The technician stopped about a minute into the scan and said, “Is this your first pregnancy?” I replied, “No.” He then followed up his question with, “I’m sorry I don’t want to keep you in suspense, I am not finding a heartbeat.” I was in shock. He took a couple more pictures, said he was going to leave the room to call my midwife and I was free to use the restroom. I went to the restroom and the tears began to stream down my cheeks. I was in a daze. I still felt pregnant. I had not had any symptoms of miscarriage. But my baby wasn’t alive inside me. I texted Prince Charming there was no heartbeat and he came to pick me up outside the door. As I got in the car, both of us had tears streaming down our faces. It was a long drive home. That afternoon, I waited for the midwife to call me to find out what was to come next. Finally that evening, she gave me three choices: let it happen naturally, take a pill, or go in for a D&C. I didn’t feel ready to make a choice at that moment. I consulted with another midwife and a couple of friends, and decided to just give myself a couple of days to process what was happening.
I woke up Tuesday morning, decided to get in the shower, and follow through with my morning routine. It was difficult to have joy that morning.
Later Tuesday night, I was having a hard time. I decided to go hang out on my bed for awhile, and my little Liberty Sue decided to join me. It was a precious moment for the two of us.
Wednesday, the following morning, two days after I found out my baby wasn’t alive, I went in the kitchen to make a coffee, still feeling very much pregnant. I was waiting for the coffee maker to heat up, and WITHOUT WARNING, no cramping, my water broke. It gushed out of my body onto the kitchen floor. I called for my husband who was home with us, now fighting his own battle with the flu. The circumstances were almost more than I felt I could endure. I rushed into the bathroom, and there he was a perfectly formed-tiny baby boy. I could see his little hands, his little feet, his tiny tiny fingers and toes, his even tinier ears, and his precious little eyes. His gender was also very obvious, even being so tiny. He was about the size of the end of my thumb, from the joint to the end of it. I was in a state of shock and the only thing I could think to do was find something for him to be properly buried in. I asked Prince Charming to find something. I wanted it to be something my mom had made, and we found a little bib she had made and left us at Christmas time, with baseballs, footballs and basketballs on it. This all took place in a mater of minutes. I then decided to get in the shower quickly, get cleaned up, and was going to lay down. It was then that my life took a turn for the worse. I began to bleed, and it wasn’t stopping. It was getting scary, and I yelled for my husband to call 911. I dropped to my bed, on the edge of losing conscienceness. The ambulance arrived, and as my husband and kids loaded up in the van, I was being loaded into the ambulance. Once we arrived at the ER, they began to stabilize me, and began to address how to stop the bleeding. My blood pressure wasn’t doing well. It kept dropping. I was pumped full of fluids-5 bags full-until I was rushed into surgery. I woke up to the reassurance that they were able to stop the bleeding. I was going to be ok-in time. The issue at hand was how much blood I had lost. All the while, I was unable to have my best friend, lover and father of my babes by my side. We have no local family. Our efforts in the six years we’ve been here to find close friends that would be like family (and you’re close enough in relationship that it’s no big deal when you have a crisis they are willing to help you out with your six kiddos) so far haven’t been established. It was the most excruciatingly painful thing emotionally I have ever experienced in my life, and I have been through much.
After my blood work was completed, it was found out I had a lost a third of my blood supply. They were evaluating carefully if I would need a blood transfusion. They took me to a room in labor and delivery, and as we passed the rooms, I could hear the cries of babies and women laboring. The tears began to fall again. I had just delivered my baby, but wouldn’t be reunited with him again until heaven.
Once I got to my room, I began to reflect, pray, and recognize how the Holy Spirit has been with me, comforting me in the most difficult time of my life.
The song I sang in those hours when I didn’t know if I would survive the massive bleeding and passing of large clots, after losing my precious baby, I sang a song I learned in childhood, “He Touched Me.” I sang the chorus over and over:
He touched me, oh He touched me And oh the joy that floods my soul Something happened and now I know He touched me and made me whole.
I cling to God with all that I am. He is my rock and my fortress. The following are the ways I was able to feel His care for me in this most difficult, life-changing journey.
1. I believe it was the Lord prompting me to insist on the ultrasound that day. Had I not known what was to come in the coming days, I would not have known the risks and complications of a missed miscarriage.
2. Because I knew from the ultrasound that the baby had passed away, I was able to ask the advice of a friend who had been through a similar experience. Her advice, I believed, saved my life.
3. I had also confided in my best friend in Romania that I had lost the baby after I found out. At the very moment that I was needing an ambulance(which I learned later), she felt overcome with a burden she couldn’t explain, and began to pray.
4. My husband came briefly to the hospital before I was rushed into surgery. He prayed for me, and kissed me. I needed that so much.
5. I still had a song in my heart. When you are in that kind of circumstance, not knowing if you will enter the arms of Jesus, or remain with your loved ones here on earth, all the while mourning the loss of your baby, having a song in your heart is directly from the Lord.
6. A friend, who had no knowledge of what I had just been through, texted me to see how things were going. I was able to share what happened. I asked her to pray, and I know she did.
7. I got to see my baby. For some that is more than the mind could process or handle. And, after talking with both midwives before this all took place, it was vague about what I would actually see if I allowed things to happen naturally. Even after the fact, everyone at the hospital that I shared with, gynecologists, nurses, etc, concurred they had not had such an experience with a baby so tiny. What I experienced was rare. It ended up, for me, being a moment that I will treasure forever. There really are no words to describe the overwhelming love I have for this precious baby. Only God could have orchestrated it so that I could have that memory.
8. We can trust in the Lord even when we don’t have all the answers. Several have already asked why would you have two miscarriages in a row. The answer is simple. We don’t know. What we do know is that God has given us the gift of faith to trust Him even when we don’t know. He loves us. And He will use our lives for His glory. He will use our story. I have no doubt because it is His working in us and through us that we live each and every day.
9. I didn’t have to have a blood transfusion! In three hours time, after all the prayers, my body began to recover. I was able to first-stand up and use a commode. Then, I was able to walk to the bathroom. Though my numbers are still really low, I personally wanted God to restore me instead of having a blood transfusion. By 11:00pm last night, I was able to be reunited with my husband-heading home to my babies.
10. I am home recovering. 24 hours ago, I was in surgery, with a surgeon who would perform the procedure to stop the bleeding. Thanks be to God for His grace and healing.
I know the next month will be difficult for me as I recover from this loss of my baby, and severe blood loss. My hope is still in the Lord, and I will never doubt Him. He is leading us and guiding us, and I know I can rest in His will.
May God truly be glorified in all the not so average mamas/ladies today-from the bottom of this not so average mama’s heart to yours.